A "Uniform" GBC Body
BY: HASYA MUKHI DEVI DASI
Nov 21, 2011 — MOGADISHU, SOMALIA (SUN) — Jai, fans and Prabhus… and please accept my humble blessings. Goodness me. I mean, "satya guna me!" I went to see Mr. Hasyanandani, the Shoe Baron of Somalia yesterday, but it looks like he packed up for India. It seems that there is a virtual exodus of Indians leaving once-prosperous-but-now-third-world countries like Somalia or the United States. These ex-pats are hightailing it for their ancestral homeland in Bharat. In the bleak future of world collapse when there is no Air Dubai or Internet, I suppose these "ferengie returns" will be known simply as "The Survivors." Totally grim.
It seems that Mr. Hasyanandani sent all the left shoes from his factory to the Port of Calcutta and all his right shoes to Bombay. This way, his shoes will go into those respective port auctions as unclaimed goods. So he plans to win the bid on them in Bombay and then in Calcutta, since even in India there aren't that many one-legged men to bid against him. That way he figures he will avoid India's steep import duties. Very clever, for a many with a third grade education.
Fortunately, I found an Internet café near Mr. Hasyanandani's office. So there I was surfing the web when I stumbled onto my newest favorite site: www.millionaireGBCs.org. What a discovery! I was aghast to learn about the new secret GBC handshake and hand signals that only 32nd level members of their clandestine committee are privy to. And what about that new GBC salute that each rank and file devotee will soon be required to present whenever they see a GBC officer coming their way? "Please accept my humble salute, Prabhu." These guys are serious! And bless my soul, I mean bless my atma, those new GBC uniforms are so spiffy! Well, don't take my word for it, here's the exact word-for-word secret Resolution from the GBC Dress Code Manual (DCM):
GBC Resolution 9/6347 b.96(a)
GBC Brothers: For the sake of augmenting our ecstatic devotional service, we various GBC members shall henceforth be required to wear new GBC uniforms in public. This is solely for the sake of receiving the honor and respect that we deserve from our inferiors, our underlings and our humble footservants. This idea was originally propounded by the example of His Holiness Bhakti Tirtha Swami, who used to parade about like an African potentate. Now at last we have recognized the wisdom of his example. We will initiate this program to co-inside with Praghosh's Vyas Puja celebration, which will be held just after the swallows come back to Capistrano.
Dress will differ from zone to zone. The uniform for the GBC for Seattle is on the left. He will be required to wear medals for each of his demigod pujas. The GBC for England shall have a more Anglo appearance (center), while the GBC for Bombay should dress more in line with his royal heritage.
Notice the swords, which represent at once the sharpened buddhi of our intellects, our analogous swords of detachment, and the razor's edge of spiritual life which all of us GBC members tread so carefully.
To demonstrate their rank, worshipful GBC members who have received the honorific title GBC Emeritus will adorn themselves with appropriate medals denoting their years of loyal and selfless service to the inferior, ungrateful members of the organization. As well, medals similar to the ones shown below will be assigned to the wealthiest members of the GBC.
As a final word of caution, please note that the GBC Army stands ready to amass its forces along the zonal line of any GBC member who stockpiles weapons of mass destruction. That is a definite no-no.
-End of GBC Resolution
* * * * *
Well, reading that made me angrier than the victim of a chappel chore at mangal arotik. But what can little old me do here in Somalia's tent city? I mean, with all this talk about Hari Vilasa banning that poor camera-happy devotee and all. Well, what's the big deal, anyway? Wasn't an entire generation of Shrila Prabhupada's disciples banned from ISKCON -- and Hari Vilasa was a GBC then, too. Well, wasn't he?! My word, I mean--My shloka!
Valuable preachers who should have been honored with the title "Bhaktivedanta" for faithfully following Shrila Prabhupada were instead given the cold shoulder once their inheritances and life savings were swallowed. So when thousands of devotees were frozen out the door, what's the use of lamenting one more? Meanwhile the GBC continues to look the other way while a bogus millionaire "Acharyadev" has been on the loose, making a mockery out of the spiritual position of the genuine World Acharya for some 33 years now. I say, what's the harm if one more devotee with a video camera is banned?
Hmmm, maybe devotees are starting to wake up, as dangerous as that sounds. Heck, better late than never. But as far as Uncle Harry is concerned, if his pujas were such good things, then why ban the devotee who filmed them? I mean shouldn't the photographer be thanked? Sure, a sadhu should be an open book, but apparently GBC men who make their own rules and create their own movement out of an established parampara are not vsadhus. They are despots.
* * * * *
Anyway, back at the Internet café… I managed to find some of those moving funeral speeches for Kirtanananda and his last rites online. Some of them had this familiar ring. I mean, can't people write their own speeches anymore! Satya goodness me! I think Kuladri gave this speech:
"Friends, Romans, GBC members from New Vrindavana like Radhanath, lend me your submissive aural reception. I come to build a samadhi for Kirtanananda, not to praise him. The evil that men do like stealing the spiritual master's manuscript, preaching mayavada, murder of devotees, racketeering, creating a bogus sampradaya and cow killing lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones. So let it be with K. Swami. The noble Shri Brutusanananda hath told you Kirtanananda was ambitious. If it were so, it was a grievous fault. And grievously hath Kirtanananda answer'd, though not as grievously as Tirtha or Sulocana or his other interred victims… Kirtanananda hath brought many new bhaktas home to New Vrindavana, whose life savings did the general coffers fill so Kirtanananda could be worshipped like some demi-god. Did this in K. Swami seem ambitious? Maybe… But when the poor hath cried, K. Swami hath likewise blown his nose and molested their children. Ambition should be made of sterner stuff."
I declare! Such poesy makes little old me ambitious to find my way out of Somalia and back to a place where someone can speak so lovingly about me at my funeral. I mean, who's going to build a samadhi for me here? I wonder if K. Swami would mind if my samadhi is built next to his in India. That is, if they don't form a brigade and tear his shrine down in the meantime.
