Feb 13, 2020 — EUROPE (SUN) —
I looked into my heart and I found envy, pervasive, harsh and unforgiving; it poisoned all my relations. This envy had compromised every aspect of my life…
In this letter I will first talk about some of the shortcomings/anarthas I recently came to identify in my heart, I then try to convey the necessity that my mistakes do not take away or negate the gravity of the child protection problem in ISKCON, and in closing I offer my apologies to all the devotees I have offended along the way.
A crucial, and perhaps overly ambitious part of this letter is my attempt to navigate the troubling and complex dilemma of offering genuine apologies, accepting that I am not the doer, and that reforming is Krsna's job; juxtaposed with the need to be socially and spiritually responsible and coherent in endeavouring to protect the most vulnerable.
Is it possible to emphasize the importance of child protection, without watering down my apology? Would I be escaping my responsibilities if I didn't speak out? I fear I haven't managed this dilemma very well.
Pure devotional service is not an external form or activity, rather it is a state of consciousness. The external actions constitute unalloyed service only when they manifest from a pure heart. When envy dwells in the heart there is not a lot of room for service, for they are incompatible. I cannot truly serve when I envy.
I never really grasped the magnitude of the envy clouding my heart, nor did I ever fully acknowledge its existence, and therefore take responsibility for it. I now see that it was connected to a desire for pratistha; to be at the centre of attention, to be noticed, to be recognized. This envy has been directed both, towards those who did not put me in the centre of their attention (competition with peers), and towards those who are recipients of attention and worship (my superiors). Except that to be worshipped and to be at the centre of attention is the place of God, and perhaps it is only His authentic representatives that can be in the centre, and worthy recipients of worship and attentions without compromise, because such representatives know that the worship is ultimately an offering to Krsna and not to their false ego.
In truth I have been allowed to see that I am envious of God, that I want to be God…
I was also blessed to see the extent of my identification as a victim. Seeing myself as the victim was attractive, because I believed it gave me the right to seek revenge. As a victim I did not have to take responsibility for my predicament; for my life. What I didn't see was that the price I was paying was my very life, because as a victim I was also powerless to change. Whereas when I stand fully responsible for my life and my karma, then I can begin to choose and direct the course of my life.
One of the names of Allah is "The Punisher". And, in the Old Testament God says "Vengeance is mine, and I will repay".
There is a fine line between raising awareness about a problem and pursuing personal revenge, a line that I crossed too many times over the years... It is a subtle yet substantial difference, that hinges on the intention that motivates action.
Because a consciousness of pure service is absent from my heart, what externally may have appeared to be commendable and selfless, was in fact contaminated by ulterior motives.
In this way, even my most noble efforts become corrupted.
In truth, I (ab)used and exploited the suffering of these children for my own motives. I used the righteous cause of child protection to disguise and further my ignoble agendas of 'righting wrongs', exacting revenge, distributing punishment; to be the hero, the saviour and to be at the centre of attention. I used something as sacred as their suffering, to serve my desire for vindication.
I believed that the choices, mistakes and sinful activities committed by some devotees gave me a free pass; the right to lash out, dehumanize, abuse, vilify and humiliate them publicly. All the while focusing on other people's sins, I was blindsided to my own.
The campaign, that at the beginning appeared like a worthy crusade to fight evil, transformed me from the role of the victim into that of the perpetrator of the very evil I set out to fight. Thus my efforts turned out to be a disturbance; often ineffective and counterproductive, and finally offensive in nature.
I cannot overstate my shock and disbelief when I was finally given to see my motives; I am horrified.
Somewhere along the way I lost sight of my objective (or perhaps that was never clear), and in attempting to punish those who had wronged, I stepped outside of my jurisdiction, into that of God. For, whereas child protection is everyone's duty and righteous, revenge is neither.
Child abuse is the ugliest manifestation of the consciousness of exploitation that is symptomatic of the conditioned jiva; it is perhaps the darkest corner of Kali Yuga. Blinded by ignorance and pride, I believed that I could fight and 'fix' this infinite evil from the same state of conditioned ego consciousness (where I am the doer), that caused it in the first place. But I wasn't fighting this injustice or that perpetrator, in actuality I was fighting human evil; Kali Yuga personified.
Perhaps it is only the person who has been called to serve in this capacity, and is uniquely empowered for this purpose who has transcended any ulterior motives that will manifest the pure consciousness of service, needed to reverse the onslaught of Kali Yuga, without being compromised.
So long as I identify as the doer, I do not have a fighting chance. In fact, any efforts may bind me deeper in the endless dark web of guna and karma.
If, however, by some exceptional Grace I am able to surrender my desire to be the doer and truly become an instrument in service, then suddenly the impossible may become easy…
"Upon hearing this, Satyarāja said, "How can I recognize a Vaiṣṇava? Please let me know what a Vaiṣṇava is. What are his common symptoms?" (verse 105)
Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu replied, "Whoever chants the holy name of Kṛṣṇa just once is worshipable and is the topmost human being". (Verse 106)
Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu then finally advised, "One who is chanting the Hare Kṛṣṇa mantra is understood to be a Vaiṣṇava; therefore you should offer all respects to him." (Verse 111)
(Madhya Lila chapter 15)
By the mercy of Vaishnavas, the heart is gradually purified even by a motivated and impure offering.
It would appear, that perhaps by some inconceivably good fortune, at least some Vaishnavas, in their infinite compassion, may have nonetheless accepted my offensive and contaminated offering, and blessed me, thus opening my eyes. I think this was my saving Grace.
I wish to honour the hope and perfection of the very unexpected Grace and Glory that somehow I encountered, through, or in the midst of, my grave mistakes.
When I first decided to actively focus on child protection, I had some idea of my shortcomings, but I never imagined the extent and true nature of my ulterior motives. I had some awareness that I would be threading on thin ice, and that many devotees would come to be offended. After much prayer and deliberation, rightly or wrongly, I concluded that, I would have rather gone to hell for speaking out, trying to imperfectly serve these children, than for remaining silent. I like to hope that along with my personal motives, I also had a little genuine desire to serve. At the time I believed that the benefits of my flawed attempts, would justify and outweigh the devastation they would cause, and I still hope I made the right choice.
These recent revelations are reassuring, for they give me great hope in the Grace of Krsna and the Vaishnavas.
This is the most difficult letter I have ever written. On the one hand there was the obvious resistance from my false-ego identity, fighting for self-preservation, but a greater struggle was the awareness that this letter could be easily misconstrued and misused. I am concerned that that it may be perceived as a recant on the importance and necessity to raise child protection standards in ISKCON, and misinterpreted to mean that we are not faced with a grave and urgent problem.
I am not advocating to refrain from endeavouring to protect children until the heart is free from envy and other anarthas, I am simply suggesting caution. I do not intend to discourage anyone from speaking out against child abuse, and I am certainly not condoning it, or suggesting that ISKCON should overlook the social responsibility of deterring perpetrators and holding them accountable.
I apologize because along the way I made many egregious offences and mistakes.
There are two separate issues here: the first is that my mood and consciousness were mostly ill motivated, inappropriate and therefore offensive.
The second, but far more important is that, the general attitude and culture that underpins child abuse in ISKCON, which can be briefly described as: "having too high a threshold of tolerance, and inadequate in addressing and deterring child abuse", remains a pressing and current problem; based on facts.
The enduring devastation and pain, suffered by successive generations of Vaishnava children is often exacerbated by the readiness of our society to 'forget, forgive' and minimize. This suffering is very real, and whilst from the absolute perspective one can argue that it was our karma, it is nonetheless problematic when, in the name of forgiveness, a spiritual society honours perpetrators and entrusts them to uphold and represent righteousness, and to be role models for our schools and education.
When it comes to child protection there is a need for consistency, for an unambiguous and clear stance on the part of ISKCON throughout. The official ISKCON Child Protection Manual, which has been duly ratified by the GBC, thus making it ISKCON law states:
"Thus, for ISKCON, the protection of children is paramount…The GBC directly, through its influence within ISKCON and its participants, and particularly through the ISKCON Central Office of Child Protection (CPO), is committed to make every reasonable effort to protect children and to prevent abuse of children".
Whilst the word 'paramount' is unambiguous, what exactly constitutes 'reasonable' is open to interpretation.
But at any rate, the reality on the ground is a different story altogether. The 2018 official investigative report on the Vrindavana Gurukula states that during the 73 days of observation covered by the report, 62 cases of child abuse were reported. The abuse was almost evenly divided with 30% sexual, 30% physical and 30% emotional/neglect. The report also raised concerns of under-reporting, and gives reasons why the actual figures are likely to be higher.
The Vrindavana Gurukula has been under the same management for the past 12 years. While this is the most recent report I have seen, it is by no means unusual or out of the ordinary. In the last decade there have been dozens of similar reports describing all categories of severe and extensive child abuse; it is a persistent problem.
What are the actual figures of the total number children that have been abused over these past 12 years in the Vrindavana Gurukula alone? How about over the last 50 years?
Despite continued protests, the oldest Gurukula in Mayapur remains under the direction and influence of a person who has a lengthy record of child abuse spanning over 4 decades.
I'm always puzzled when I see high ranking ISKCON leadership make far greater efforts to defend the perpetrators of child abuse than they ever made to protect their victims... It is also not uncommon to see them fraternizing in public with known, serious offenders.
The optics and implications of these realities, are factors that continue to threaten the safety of our children and tarnish the Hare Krishna movement.
There is no escaping from the fact that the public interactions of our leaders represent a statement of the ethos of the entire society. Arguably their actions exert a far greater influence on the values of the society than policies and resolutions ever will (BG 3-2).
At the time of writing this letter the ISKCON GBC still only invests about $10,000 USD annually (this hardly reflects the 'paramount' importance of child protection) to fund the operations of the international Child Protection Office throughout the world.
A significant increase in funding for the CPO is arguably the most urgent and important step required at present. There are many countries with ISKCON affiliated schools, such as Russia and in Latin American that have never been visited by CPO staff.
For me it is heart-breaking to see how, although the extent and severity of the suffering of our children is relatively well known, there doesn't seem to be the collective will necessary to do what it takes to adequately address the problem... The abuse of these Vaishnava children is not treated as a priority!
The problem is old and complex, and only a concerted, collective effort, can hope to tackle it effectively. It is so old that it seems to have become almost 'normalized', many devotees I have spoken to, that are aware of the problem, have come to accept it with resignation; as an unavoidable reality.
The issues mentioned above need to be addressed urgently, and they constitute real problems regardless of my motives. The alternative is of course to pretend that the problems don't exist...
The story of Jagai and Madhai is significant. On one hand Mahaprabhu showed no mercy, forgiveness or leniency; He was ready to kill them for assaulting a vaishnava. On the other we have the exceptional and unconditional forgiveness of Nityananda Prabhu.
Is not our place to 'forgive' those who have abused others! This is not compassion! We are NOT to hide behind some misplaced notion of forgiveness, and look the other way while Vaishnava children are at risk!
Perhaps we are also on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, and from the absolute perspective everything is perfect, the conclusion is foregone, and though He does not need our participation to ensure His intended outcome, we are the ones who have the necessity to be engaged in His service. We are not to escape our responsibility, but rather pray and strive for the ability to fight for the protection of these children (serve dharma) with a pure heart, unattached to the results, unencumbered by fear, ulterior motives or sentimentality. Trusting that Krsna will guide our steps and protect us from the gravest dangers. Such noble service would undoubtedly be truly glorious and beneficial for ourselves and the world at large!
This letter is an offering of my own blunders, an analysis of the pitfalls I encountered, and the imperative necessity to pray for Guidance and protection; it is also a testament to the greatness of the mercy of the Vaishnavas.
It is an invitation to exercise the highest degree of introspection and integrity in service, and to be mindful of ulterior motives.
I have offered some suggestions, but I do not claim to have the solutions, to address the extremely complex, yet all too often neglected, service of child protection in ISKCON.
The complexity of the problem does not, however, diminish its utmost importance, nor does it relieve us of our duty to endeavour to address it responsibly, both as individuals and as a society.
In closing, I wish to acknowledge, that driven by ulterior motives, out of ignorance and envy, I acted and spoke out of turn, I used the suffering of Vaishnava children to further my personal agendas. I offended thousands of Vaishnavas, including the children I set out to serve. I have offended so many that I do not even know who they all are.
I pray that you will accept my inadequate and flawed apology. I fall at the lotus feet of all the Vaishnavas that I have directly offended, and of all the Vaishnavas that have felt offended by my actions, and the disturbance I caused; I beg for your forgiveness, for it is my only hope.
Please forgive me!
Initially I wanted to include the long list of all the Vaishnavas I know I have personally offended. But I decided against it, for in doing so I would come to offend many more.
I expect that some will welcome this letter and others will think that I have gone mad. But the truth is, I have finally found my sanity.
Aspiring to serve the Vaishnavas with a grateful and honest heart
Sanaka Rsi das
February 13th 2020, Appearance day of Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakur
